Lectio
“But truly He set Himself in the midst of them, a little one who had come ‘not to be ministered unto, but to minister,’ that He might be a pattern of holiness.”
— St. Jerome, Commentary on Matthew, in Aquinas’ Catena Aurea
Meditatio
My dear child, you don’t know this, but I pray at your bedside every night after giving you a kiss on the cheek, even when I come up too late and you have already fallen asleep. You have seen me pray for many years, and you have joined me many times. I still cherish all of the times you have climbed on my back to pray with me as I kneel next to your bed, saying to me, “Say the words, daddy. Say the words.”
But far too often I have not been there to say the words with you because some other part of my life has called me away, or because I was too busy or too distracted to come up before you fell asleep. And far too many times I know you have waited for me, but I did not come, and I am sorry. More than I can put into words, I am sorry.
But even when I came up too late to put you to bed, I always checked on you. I always looked at you with love and admiration and the utmost humility of knowing that I do not deserve you. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the joy of you that all I can do is smile. And other times I cry. But I always kneel down beside you and thank God for all that you are, for all that you give, and for all that you can be. I always thank God for you.
Every time I look at you, at your most innocent and your most vulnerable, I cannot help but see God in you. I cannot help but thank God for you. For how else could this be, that such an amazing, beautiful, and precious creature could be placed here in front of me, for me to love, for me to care for, and for me to raise to know Him, than as a gift from Him?
You teach me so much more than I could ever teach you. You give me more than I could ever give you. Without you, I was all that mattered. My world was so small and meaningless. My self was my purpose. Your presence, just the simple fact of your being, has changed my entire life. You have given me a reason to love, a reason to give, and a reason to live for something bigger than the smallness of myself. Your presence in this world has torn my heart open, exposed it to light, exposed it to love, because how could I not love you, you who are filled with so much light?
And there is nothing you can do to earn it. There is nothing you can do to deserve it. There is nothing you can do to make it stop. Because my love for you is not merely a feeling. It is a fact of my existence like the beating of my heart and the air in my lungs. My love for you just is. Even when I do not show it or know how, I love you. And, somehow, in my love for you, I gain a glimpse of how God loves me, and I can see so clearly how God loves you.
Even at my most selfish, my most hard-hearted, and my most unkind, when I look at you, I see love and I am changed. I want to be better. I want to be humble. I want to be kind. Because you deserve the best of me. You deserve so much more than me. You deserve the love of me — the love of God passing through me.
And so every night I pray for you. Every night I thank God for you. Every night I kneel down at your bedside and say the words with you, even if you cannot hear them, and even if you do not feel them. I say the words of love for you because, more than you will ever know, more than you could ever know, child of Christ in my midst, I love you. I love for you.
Oratio
In My Midst
my glorious child
placed in my midst
love beyond my deserving
you open my heart
tearing apart
all that which is not loving
my love for you
a gift from the Lord
who gives me hope and meaning
if only you knew
how much I love you
you’d have no reason for doubting
my precious child
Christ in our midst
may you always know what love is
Contemplatio
You have been loved before you did anything to earn it, and you will be loved long after you stop trying. Somewhere, someone has knelt beside you — in memory, in prayer, in the quiet ordinary nights you never saw — and thanked God simply for your being. Let yourself be that beloved child a moment longer. Sit with this in silence, consenting to His presence, and let Him move in you however He wills.
Related Scripture
“The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like A Joy That Forgets Itself: Teresa of Ávila and the Prayer We Cannot Earn (Lectio Divina), which turns to Teresa’s own confession that the deepest gifts of love are never things we acquire by effort, only things we receive.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity.
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
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