Tag: faith

• Scriptio: Smiling At Merton Smiling At Me

  It’s the first day of my master’s program at Loyola of Chicago, and I didn’t sleep well last night. Truthfully, I’ve been amped up all weekend with nerves and excitement. I have no idea what to expect or where this will take me, but I do know that I will be changed by the experience. 

  And isn’t that one of our biggest fears? That we will be changed, that we will be stripped of our comfort, and that we will become someone we do not recognize? But here I am, asking to be transformed from the inside out, praying that I am on the right path, taking steps in the direction of the call that I hear in the distance of my soul, beckoning me to go deeper.

  It is also my daughter’s first day of 5th grade. I’m sure she has some to the same feelings and questions I do. Will it be difficult or easy? Will I make connect with my teachers? Will I connect with other students? Will I survive? As a side note, my daughter, who is wise beyond her years, once told me that the only things people are really scared of are things that will either kill them or embarrass them. Not to be overly dramatic, but I suppose this is a bit of both.

  My first class is Advanced Human Relation Skills, something I can certainly use, whether in my personal life, at the jiu-jitsu academy I help run and where I teach, and in whatever vocation God is forming me for. Having looked over the syllabus, I’m enthusiastic about what the class has to offer, albeit I am reluctant to participate in the small-group sessions that are required. I’m also hyper-aware of the fact that the class runs from 8-9:30pm and, having always been an early riser, I’m usually in bed by about 9 or 9:30.

  It’s finally time for class to start and I’m a bit early. I try the Zoom link provided by the teacher and it doesn’t work. It says it’s an invalid link. I start to panic. I try again. Nothing. I check my emails. Nothing. I go back to the class homepage and refresh the screen. There’s a new Zoom link. I click it and it lets me into the waiting room.

  After a few minutes of waiting, I’m finally let into the class. The professors apologize for the mixup and we get started. They introduce themselves and then ask us to close our eyes and bow our heads for an opening prayer. I immediately start to feel more at home.

  The first class is a lot of introductions, syllabus overview, and getting to know one another. It starts to feel like I can do this. God didn’t bring me here to fail. I’m tired, but happy. We get to the end of the class and one of the professors closes with another prayer. She calls it The Merton Prayer, after its author, the late Trappist monk, Thomas Merton, one of my favorite Christian thinkers.

  My Lord God,
  I have no idea where I am going.
  I do not see the road ahead of me.
  I cannot know for certain where it will end.
  Nor do I really know myself,
  and the fact that I think I am following your will
  does not mean that I am actually doing so.
  But I believe that the desire to please you
  does in fact please you.
  And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
  I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
  And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
  though I may know nothing about it.
  Therefore will I trust you always though
  I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 
  I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
  and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. (Thoughts in Solitude, 1956)

  Her use of Merton, who holds a special place in my heart and my spiritual formation, to close out the class feels like a little wink from God, assuring me that I am in the right place. As I close out the Zoom window, I search for the prayer online to find its source. A quick search shows that the prayer is from Merton’s book Thoughts In Solitude. I am instantly struck with the thought, “I have that book. In fact, it just arrived in the mail today!”

  I scramble to find my new, used 1976 copy of Thoughts In Solitude, which I purchased, not as a book required for this course, but based off of a quote used by James Finley in his podcast Turning to the Mystics, and I start flipping through its slightly worn pages. There it is. There, right on page 83, is the prayer. All I can do is smile, as I know that this is God smiling at me.

  ~Robert Van Valkenburgh

  August 29, 2025

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• Scriptio: My Heart Is An Idol-Making Machine

  God is showing me that I can either worship Him or other people’s opinions, but I cannot do both. I think this is part of what it means in Exodus 34:14 (NIV) when it says, “Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” We cannot serve more than one master, and I have been bowing down at the alter of human opinion for far too long, and God is allowing me to suffer until I return to worshiping Him. . 

  Worrying about what other people think of me, whether they like me, are mad at me, or if I have done or am doing something wrong, has put me in an overstimulated state of reactivity. Instead of living in the stillness of God’s love and grace, I frantically try to anticipate what others need or want so that I can meet those needs and wants, or avoid them altogether. Not only does this lead to my being unhappy and anxious, but it is an impossible task. 

  It is impossible to please everyone. In fact, my experience shows that people are, by and large, never truly satisfied. This is as true for me as it is for anyone else. No matter what we have, we always want more, better, or different. What, then, would make me believe that I am capable of pleasing, or at least not displeasing, the people around me? 

  “Our hearts,” as Father Mike Schmitz says, “are idol-making machines.” They look for anything and everything to worship other than God. Even the holiest of lives is fraught with innumerable temptations intended to distract from God’s truth and love, and this has been true since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the garden. 

  The tragedy of all of this is that I have all that I need in God, but I constantly seek “not God.” By worshipping, or at least fearing, other people’s opinions, I put my life, well-being, and happiness in their hands, and, just like I will let them down, they will let me down. Only God can satisfy our deepest needs and desires, and to seek elsewhere is idolatry.  

  In Isaiah, we are told, “I am the LORD, and there is no other; apart from me there is no God (Isaiah 45:5).” This means that anything we worship besides God will separate us from God. I can either serve the Lord or I can serve the world, but I cannot do both, and only one of them has the power to grant me freedom, peace, and salvation. 

  June 11, 2025

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• Scriptio: What Is Good Or What Is God

  I once attended a workshop at the local Holistic Chamber of Commerce where one of the presenters talked about the difference between skill and purpose. The gist of what she said was, “Just because you are good at something, does not mean it is your calling.” I don’t remember most of her talk or anything else that was discussed that evening, but that simple, yet profound, statement has never left me. 

  Recently, trying to prayerfully discern God’s will for me in my work, I have been thinking about what this woman said. A lot of the work I do has been the direct result of the skills I have. The other side of that, however, is that I developed those skills to do the work I do. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. 

  To the speaker’s point, the things I’m good at have little to nothing to do with any kind of divine calling. Rather, they are worldly skills developed to complete worldly tasks for worldly reasons. Many of these skills, in fact, were developed as a form of self-protection or as a defense mechanism to manage my fears and insecurities. 

  God’s call is, at least for me, something altogether different. It’s a quiet voice, a subtle pull in a direction that feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. God’s call requires faith more than skill, and it often feels as if I am entirely unprepared for what he is asking me to do. It feels like I’m unfit for the job, like he chose the wrong person to do his work. 

  While my skills may be utilized for God’s purpose, they also may get in the way. When he asks me to do something I would rather not, or feel like I can’t, do, I look at my present skills and justify my inadequacy based off of them. He couldn’t possibly need me for this work because I’m not good at what he is asking me to do. I’m better at this other thing. 

  God doesn’t ask us to be ready, however. He doesn’t even ask us to be capable. He asks us to be willing and to be faithful. He will make us ready and he will make us capable. If he chooses us for a certain purpose, he has not chosen wrongly. 

  Just because I am good at something doesn’t make it God’s will. I may even have to be willing to let go of what I am good at in order to pursue that which is for God. This is part of the crucifixion of being a Christian, to die to one’s old self and be reborn of the spirit. God doesn’t want what we are good at. He wants what is best for us. 

  ~Robert Van Valkenburgh

  June 9, 2025

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• Scriptio: Pulling Sin Down Upon Me

  I am a sinner. That is an indisputable and undeniable fact. I sin many times every day. I sin in ways I don’t even see or understand. It is part of my nature and I will be a sinner until the day I die because one sin is too many when standing face-to-face with God’s perfection. 

  While it is very clear to me that my sins are less pronounced than they once were, a sin is a sin and any progress I have made is not my doing. It is only by the power of God that my sins have decreased as he has increased in my heart. 

  Still, I sin frequently, sometimes in deed and sometimes in my thoughts. Even in solitude, I have many thoughts throughout the day that separate me from having a conscious contact with God. And as Jesus points out in Matthew 5:21-30, our thoughts, whether they be prideful, greedy, wrathful, envious, lustful, gluttonous, or slothful are no less sinful in the eyes of God than actions taken in their name. 

  It is important for me to remember, however, that I am forgiven. For every one of my sins, past, present, and future, Jesus died on the cross. He sacrificed his own life so that my life can be saved.

  While I have accepted his sacrifice, I often forget exactly what it means. I forget that Jesus has volunteered to carry the burden of my sins upon himself and, instead, I carry them around with me as if it is my responsibility to punish myself for them. In this way, I am actually denying and rejecting what Jesus has done on my behalf so that I can be free. 

  This self-punishment and refusal to release my sins to the Lord is just another form of pride. In fact, there is even a risk in being prideful in acknowledging this and in wanting to beat myself up for my repeated prideful thoughts and beliefs. Again, all of this pride is a denial of the gift that Christ has given me. 

  As if it was not bad enough to be sinful, I have somehow managed to be sinful about my sinfulness. This is exactly what the devil wants. He wants me to carry this burden alone. He wants to separate me from God in the belief that I am in charge of my own sin, my own punishment, and my own fate. He wants me to think that I can save myself or that I am not worthy of saving. And sometimes, I buy into his deceit.

  But Jesus died so that I may be free from sin, not just from committing it, but from carrying its burden with me. “Come to me,” Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV), “all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I need only to release my sins to him, for without his help, I am crushed under their weight, and I am the one pulling them down upon me. 

  ~Robert Van Valkenburgh

  June 8, 2025

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• Scriptio: Loving Others As Myself (Not Instead Of Myself)

  I want to be a kinder person. I want to be gentler and slower to anger. I want to be more tender and compassionate. I want to listen more than I talk, and I want to create a more peaceful and less violent world around me. 

  I want these things because I believe that the people around me deserve the best of me. They don’t deserve negativity, sarcasm, or ill-temperedness. Nor do they deserve to be talked down to, criticized, or harshly judged. 

  I want the people around me to feel safe and accepted. I want them to know that they are loved beyond measure and without conditions. I want them to belong. 

  I want these things for others. I pray for them and I ask God to guide me and give me the strength and wisdom to serve him and the people around me. I long to be an instrument of his peace and a vessel of his love that, through me, others may come to know him. 

  I want these things for others, but I forget to want them for myself as well. Toward myself, I am cruel and quick to anger. Toward myself, I am harsh and unforgiving. 

  In spite of what I want for others, of what I pray for and work for that they may benefit, I act as if I am somehow exempt from the same patience, love, and belonging that it is so clear to me that they deserve. I want the best for them, but settle for the worst from myself. 

  This is not what Jesus meant when he said, “The first will be last and the last will be first (Matthew 20:16, NIV).” He did not mean that we should exclude ourselves from tenderness, compassion, and understanding. He did not mean that we should judge, condemn, and punish ourselves in order to enter the Kingdom of God. 

  Jesus said that, if we want to be his disciples, we must deny ourselves and take up our cross (Matt 16:24), not destroy and crucify ourselves. He commands us to “Love our neighbors as ourselves (Matt 22:39),” but not instead of ourselves. In order to love others as ourselves, we must first love ourselves. 

  If we make enemies of ourselves and have no love for ourselves, have we not, by alienating ourselves, deeming ourselves unforgivable, and persecuting ourselves for our mistakes, errors, and shortcomings, ignored his command to “love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us”? 

  I have confused the perfection Jesus requires of us in Matthew 5:48 with perfectionism. The perfection he is asking us to strive for is the perfect love of God, of our Heavenly Father, and self-criticism, self-hatred, and self-condemnation are not perfect love. 

  It seems to me that Paul’s declaration in 1 Corinthians 4-7 

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

  applies to all love, not just outwardly directed love, but also love toward ourselves. For are we not all children of God, his beloveds, and his friends? These are not statuses reserved only for others. I, too, am his child and he is my Father and my friend, and I am his beloved in whom he is well pleased. 

  ~Robert Van Valkenburgh

  June 6, 2025

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