Lectio
“I am the one who belongs not to himself, but to You. I know no more than this about myself, nor about You, O God of my life, Infinity of my finiteness.”
— Karl Rahner, Encounters With Silence
Meditatio
Lord, I do not know how I got here. I have stumbled and fumbled and failed my way into this life of grace. None of my ideas, none of my plans, none of my hopes or dreams could have led me to You. And yet You have led me to Yourself.
In spite of my reluctance, my resistance, and my defiance, You welcomed my return and celebrated my surrender. You ran out to meet me on the road of longing and despair with tears in Your eyes, forgiveness in Your heart, and room in Your arms.
I have done so much to offend You. I have so often ignored You. I tried to build my life without You. But You never gave up on me. You never stopped searching for me. You never stopped loving me.
And all of this without my knowing that my wants were, in fact, for You. All of my longings were for You. All of my hopes and dreams were for what only You can give, and all of my fears were that You would not give it.
If only I had trusted You from the beginning I might have saved myself and others so much pain. If only I had turned to You in my suffering, You might have turned my darkness to light. If only I had a fraction of the faith in Your infiniteness that I had in my own finite plans and designs, how much closer might I be now to eternal union with You.
But now I am Yours. Take all of me — good and bad, wheat and weeds, righteousness and wickedness — and do with me as You will. Make of my life what You desire it to be. Use me for Your purpose. All that was once for me is now for You. However imperfectly I may do so and no matter how imperfectly I even understand how or why — for I still stumble, fumble, and fail more often than I do right by You — I give all of my finitude over to Your infiniteness, O God of my life.
Oratio
A Self Alone
this self
to which I cling
was never Yours
but mine alone
and a self alone
is far too alone
when being alone
means being apart
from You
and so I give up this self
to be not alone
for without this self
my true self unfolds
a self created by You
to be with You
it is not good to be alone
Contemplatio
Whatever you have built alone, however carefully, was never going to be enough to fill what only He can fill. The self that clings is not the self that lives. Let this settle in silence. Offer Him your consent, and nothing more, and let Him take it from there.
Related Scripture
“But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him.”
— Luke 15:20
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like The Altar of Silence: On Contemplative Prayer as Love’s Own Offering (Lectio Divina), which explores that same movement of surrender from another angle — the abandonment of self in prayer rather than the abandonment of a self that was never truly ours.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity.
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
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