Lectio
“Some men are only virtuous enough to forget that they are sinners, without being wretched enough to remember how much they need the mercy of God.”
— Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island
Meditatio
Our shortcomings, especially as we become acutely aware of them through prayerful reflection and regular examinations of conscience, can become extremely frustrating to live with. Like St. Paul, we do not understand our own actions — we fail to do the good we most want, and find ourselves caught up in the very thing we hate. We can want what is right with our whole heart, and still find ourselves unable to do it. It is not, finally, our truest self that acts in these moments — it is sin, dwelling in us, working against the good we long for.
No matter how far we seem to get from our old selves, no matter how close we grow in our relationship with God, and no matter how good, righteous, and loving we think we have become, we stumble. And so often we stumble in very familiar ways. The same angry, greedy, lustful thoughts arise in our minds, tempting us in the same ways we seem to have always been tempted. The same gossip, slander, and cynicism leaps off of our tongues as so many times before. Or we act out in all too familiar patterns of brokenness as we have in the past, doing things we thought we had transcended long ago.
But as St. Paul says about his own thorn in the flesh, with God, these shortcomings become our teacher. They become like a faithful friend who is always there to remind us of how far we have yet to go in our journey with God. They keep us humble and honest, never allowing us to believe that we, alone, can overcome our own wickedness, or that, without the grace of our Lord we will ever be virtuous enough to face Him with open eyes and a clear conscience.
The thorn in our flesh remains, it seems, as the nagging reminder that we are saved by grace, through faith, working itself out in love, and not by our own intelligence, effort, or goodness, lest we boast rather than fearing God. And in this way, our shortcomings, though we would release them to the Lord if He would have them, actually bring us closer to Him because God, in His ever-loving goodness wastes nothing that we bring to the altar. He uses all of us, good and bad, to His purpose if we let Him, because He can’t help but to love us no matter how many times we fall because He is our Father and we are but His beloved children. Amen.
Oratio
Grasping For Thorns
You planted me flowers
roses red like Your blood
dripping with nectar
aroma sweet like Your love
perfect in every way
their presence enough
to heal my wounded soul
but I wanted more
to possess You
to have You as my own
to hold You in my hand
and in my grasping
my clinging to what You made
my flesh was pierced
by thorns of love
that will not leave me be
reminders of You
Your generosity and perfection
reminders of me
my insatiable heart
blood dripping down my arm
from these wounds
Your wounds
where my blood and Yours
commune as one
Contemplatio
Your wounds and His are not separate — they meet, they mingle, they become one place where love is exchanged rather than earned. You do not have to hold Him to keep Him; He was never yours to lose. Stay in the quiet with this, saying yes to whatever He wants to stir in you.
Related Scripture
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.
— Song of Solomon 8:6-7 (NRSVCE)
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Giving All But Asking Little: Sabbath, Covetousness, and the Love We Keep Spending Elsewhere, which sits with the same restless wanting more, though there it takes the shape of covetousness rather than the grasping hand that wounds itself trying to hold on.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity.
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
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