Lectio
“If my life is supposed to be one single prayer, and my praying is to be a part of this life carried on humbly in Your presence, then I must have the power to present my life, my very self before You. But this is completely beyond my strength.”
— Karl Rahner, Encounters With Silence, God of My Prayer
Meditatio
Lord, I have tasted the sweet nectar of Your perfect, loving presence, even if only in a single drop, a single graced moment of oneness wherein Your living water quenched my desperate, insatiable thirst for that which, prior to this revelation of Yourself within myself, I did not know. From this, there is a clarity, a newfound vision, and a singleness of purpose I long sensed but could not name until You revealed to me Your name. Prior to glimpsing Your face and tasting Your sweetness, I knew I longed for something. I knew I longed for more. I knew I longed for an experience, a connection, or a presence unreachable, unattainable, and indescribable, but I looked for this mysteriousness I could neither name nor apprehend in all manner of not-You, which left me thirstier for You, hungrier for You, and yearning for You, but not knowing You, I did not know that what I was missing was You until You revealed Yourself to me. And in a single moment unfolding over days, months, years, and decades, at last You gave me Yourself, showing me that this is what You have always done and this — You — is what I always lacked and longed for. Now that I know, I cannot unknow it. Now that I have tasted Your sweet nectar, nothing else will quench my thirst. Now that I have eaten of the bread of life, nothing will satisfy my soul’s hunger besides You. Not only are You enough, but You are everything. You are everything I ever wanted, needed, or sought. But I cannot have You without You. And in my vanity, I try so hard to have You without You, which leaves me hollow and lost.
Even this — my hollowness, my wandering, my wondering — is completely beyond my strength to fix. I cannot pray my way into Your presence. I cannot will myself into union. I cannot even will my way into prayer. Nor can I squeeze out of life, out of myself, or out of You another drop of Your sweetness, a moment of Your presence, or a glimpse of Your face. I am utterly powerless to do the one thing — the only thing — that matters. To present my very life before You, to make of it a single prayer, exceeds everything I am capable of on my own. And still You ask it of me. Or rather — You ask it in me, because You alone can do in me what I cannot do for myself, and what I long for in the deepest recesses of myself. Yet this waiting is not punishment. My thirst is not abandonment. My frustration in wanting You and only You, and being unable to close the distance between us is somehow exactly the shape of Your love in my soul, a soul that is nowhere near You and yet knows it could not be nearer to You, for You are nearer to me than I am even to myself. And so I wait — unable to have You without You — impatiently, achingly, desperately longing with an insatiable openness, having tasted Your love, unable to forget that moment and those moments. You came to me against my will and to my great joy and frustration, for in You I was completely undone — and You left me here wanting, aching, longing for You.
Oratio
How Can I Pray?
How can this longing
for Love
be love?
How can this aching
for Union
be union?
How can this wound
be where I find You
or rather where You find me?
How am I supposed to live
without You
and yet with and for You?
How can I live
without Life Itself
having tasted Life Itself?
Saint John of the Cross
pray for me
in my darkness
Julian of Norwich
pray for me
for all is not well
St. Thérèse of Lisieux
pray for me
for I am so small and powerless
Holy Spirit
pray in me
for I cannot even pray for myself
Contemplatio
What would it mean to offer your longing itself — not your prayer, not your striving, but the ache — as the only gift you have to bring?
Related Scripture
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words.”
— Romans 8:26 (NRSVCE)
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like Recollected Into God: Teresa of Ávila on the Soul’s Return to Wholeness, which traces the soul’s movement from reaching outside itself in all manner of not-God toward the turn inward where, powerless to recollect itself, it discovers the wholeness it could never manufacture.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity.
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
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