Lectio
“I could never feel the pain of longing, not even deliberately resign myself to being content with this world, had not my mind again and again soared out over its own limitations into the hushed reaches which are filled by You alone, the Silent Infinite.”
— Karl Rahner, Encounters With Silence
Meditatio
When we cannot feel God’s love, the absence is in us — not in God. Our earthly hearts and minds cannot contain the boundless, unceasing mystery of God.
As embodied souls, we are bound by time and space in a way God is not, and so we cannot comprehend the boundlessness of God’s love. This, even though we exist within that love and that love exists within us.
It is our great frustration that we are somehow separated, at least in perception, from the very love that created us, sustains us, and is perpetually drawing us back into itself. This sense of separation creates in us both a longing for reunion with the source of our souls and also the pain of knowing we cannot bring about that reunion by our own power or force of will.
Many of us live our lives with only a dull sense of the problem, without ever being able — or willing — to name exactly what it is. We sense that something is off, that something is missing, and we either aimlessly or quite intentionally spend our lives in pursuit of what it is, always, somehow, missing the mark.
Some of us know, however — whether because we were told and graced with the willingness to listen, or because, in a moment of clarity, something undeniable overcame us. This knowledge sometimes brings comfort, but also, at other times, a deep helplessness — because with it comes the truth of our powerlessness to close the gap between our hearts and the union for which they so deeply long.
But somehow, this knowledge, and the faith that it is trustworthy, while not being nearly enough, is enough to sustain us through the very moments within which it is not enough. Even in our helplessness, in our powerlessness, and in the very longing we feel in the absence of the connection we sense is lacking, we are being sustained, supported, and held by the very love we feel is absent — because it never was.
And yet, some of us are graced with perfect moments of perfect connection with perfect love, hushed moments within which we are filled with God alone — the Silent Infinite — and we are quickened. We are moved one or several steps closer to our final resting place in and with the very God who graced us, and this helps us get through the worst of things — the feeling of absence, longing, and brokenness that comes at us in waves we cannot resist or explain — and, even when we do not feel loved, we know, somewhere deep within our limited, broken hearts, that we are loved, and that God will not stop until we, too, are Love.
And even though it often feels like not enough, it is, in fact, enough.
Oratio
why do you torture me so
with your absence?
why do you tease me
from afar?
what do you hope to gain
from my agony and longing?
have I done this to myself?
have I chased you away?
I cannot feel your presence
when I need you most.
I cannot see your light
as the darkness consumes me.
if it were not for those brief moments
when you revealed yourself to me,
I would have given up
long, long ago.
but your love was undeniable,
your presence overtook me.
I cling to these memories
as I drift into silence,
waiting for you who never left
to come back to me.
Contemplatio
What if the longing itself is the presence — God’s love drawing you back to what you never truly lost?
Related Scripture
“As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.” — Psalm 42:1-2 (NRSVCE)
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like You Awakened Me: Prayer, Longing, and the God Who Is Always Near, which explores the same ache of divine awakening — the experience of being drawn toward God, only to find him near yet unreachable, known yet beyond knowing.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
grapplingwithdivinity.com
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