Scriptio: Exhausted From Suffering

I’m exhausted from suffering. The worst part is that no one is doing it to me. I am the cause of my own misery. It’s not intentional.

I get an idea, it becomes an obsession, and then I impulsively act on that obsession until I hit a wall or run out of steam. Either way, I crash, and when I crash, I crash hard. Right now, I’m in the midst of a crash.

I know it’s not permanent. I know that, as long as I continue to seek and honor God above all else, He will see me through this. But that knowledge doesn’t always make me feel better. It doesn’t alleviate the suffering. It does, however, give me a north star to follow through the suffering.

My faith, and the hope that I have which is rooted in that faith, is the lamp that lights the way before my feet when I feel trapped in the darkness. The insidiousness of suffering is that it convinces us that it is permanent, that our pain had no beginning and has no end. It tells us that this is the way things always were and always will be.

I am on my knees begging for relief. I’m clawing at the walls and coming out of my own skin, but I’m not even moving. I know that God has some purpose for this pain. I trust His promise and I put my faith in Him. But I feel forsaken. I feel alone and frightened.

I’m shivering and shaking, praying for His presence. Heavenly Father, please hear my cries. Please take this pain and confusion from me, but thy will, not mine, be done.

~Robert Van Valkenburgh