Every morning, after I wake up, I sit in contemplative prayer prior to starting my day. I’ve been doing it long enough now to know that my experiences with contemplation, both during and after, vary greatly from day to day. Some days, I feel a deep calm, an undeniable connection with God, and a profound sense of peace and wellbeing. Other days, the practice is a struggle, I feel disjointed and disconnected, and I’m restless and irritable after my time in silence. I have to assume that this is all part of the process.
The other day, I was sitting in prayer while my wife was getting ready for work and my daughter was eating her breakfast and getting ready for school. I try to wake up early enough to have finished my prayer hour before they wake up, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. This was one of those days.
During my time in prayer, I could hear everything going on and I could tell that my daughter was giving my wife a hard time. I did my best to let it go and to refocus my attention back toward God, but it felt like I was just going through the motions. As I opened my eyes and acclimated back to the room, I immediately got involved in whatever my wife and daughter had going on, interjecting myself into the conversation and trying to resolve their conflict.
As I did this, it occurred to me that I wasn’t practicing my practice. It’s as if my time in contemplation meant nothing and I went right back to my old self without a moment’s hesitation. Afterward, I felt terrible. It was like waking up from a dream. In spite of my best intentions and in spite of my contemplative prayer practice, here I was caught up in the drama of life, trying to control things, and attempting to be the peacekeeper in a situation that didn’t require my input or involvement.
After carrying this regret around with me for a while, it occurred to me that even this was God working in my life. It’s not that he wants me to be this way. On the contrary, he was showing me my old self, as a reminder of who I no longer want to be. He was bringing to the surface the parts of my self that need to be burned off and released.
As time went on, I realized that this is how God prunes off the dead branches that do not bear spiritual fruit. He first needs to expose them to the light so that we can see them for what they are. Then, he waits for us to be willing to have them removed. He does nothing without our consent. He merely invites us to see and to hear the truth. It is up to us to become willing change, to have the dead branches removed, and to ask for healing so that we may bear the fruit of goodness through and for him.
~Robert Van Valkenburgh
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