Lectio
“The more complete the dependence of my fragile existence upon Your unsearchable counsels, the more unconditional must be the surrender of my whole being to You, beloved God. The more annihilating the incomprehensibility of Your ways and judgments, the greater must be the holy defiance of my love. And my love is all the greater and more blessed, the less my poor spirit understands of You.”
— Karl Rahner, Encounters With Silence
Meditatio
Sometimes it feels as though God is drawing me closer to Him — gently, lovingly, steadily. Other times, it feels as though He is tearing me away from myself — violently, jealously, hastily. Other times still, it feels as though God has forsaken me altogether — that He is absent, silent, nowhere to be found.
And yet all of this somehow makes me desire Him more. It makes me want to give more of myself to Him. Mysteriously, incomprehensibly, everything, even His perceived absence or the pain of my disillusion, points me back to Him and only deepens my longing for His fullness, His grace and mercy, and His love.
The closer He brings me to Himself and Himself to me, the greater my dependence on Him becomes. The further I am led away from my old self and toward my divine destiny, the more I need Him and desire Him. And the further He feels from me, in the distance, the unreachable horizon, the more fully I must commit to my pursuit of He who pursued me in my distance, in the wilderness of my life, when I was yet an unrepentant sinner.
And none of this makes sense to me. My mind cannot comprehend what my heart seems so determined to pull me toward. My will and my wishes do not align with the will and the wishes of the one who calls me to Himself. I am left helpless, powerless, and impoverished in His sight, and yet this poverty of spirit is somehow exactly why I want Him more than my own shallow, short-sighted self. His vastness, His abundance, and His boundless love make all other desires feel utterly and hopelessly insignificant.
Oratio
Make It Make Sense
make it make sense
my God
make it make sense
why this pain
that only You can relieve
why this emptiness
that only You can fill
why this longing
that only You can satisfy
but I cannot reach You
I cannot touch You
I cannot see You or hear You
I only know You by my longing for You
I look and You hide
I listen and You are silent
I cry out and hear only my own echo
make it make sense
that I still believe You
that I still desire You
that You are still all that I hope and long for
make it make sense
that You are everything
yet You are hidden
and somehow You are all I want
Contemplatio
Let your unanswered questions remain unanswered for now. What feels like His absence may simply be a nearness too vast for you to name. Rest here a while longer, offering no resistance to His presence, and let Him do with you what only He can do.
Related Scripture
“‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”
— Job 42:3 (NRSVCE)
For Further Reading
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like The Prison of Our Own Making: Fr. Mike Schmitz and God’s Prevenient Grace (Lectio Divina), which sits with the same truth that God moves first — not the incomprehensible pursuit of a love that outruns understanding, but the quiet discovery that even our turning back was never our own doing.
Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity.
Wrestling With God.
Returning To Love.
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