Fleeing the Light: Confronting Shame, Fear, and the False Self (Oratio Divina)

Skin crawling
stomach turning
soul tearing through my flesh
I’m inside out
every part of me
screaming
run
hide
don’t look at me
my ugliness
my weakness
my inadequacy
don’t look through me
my fraudulence
my stupidity
my frailty
run
until you run out of breath
hide
until there’s no one else left
flee the light
flee the light
flee the light
and yet it is my very shadow
I fear the most
~Robert Van Valkenburgh

Reflection:
The instinct to run is often born in the quiet places where we believe we are most exposed. We sense the light drawing near, and instead of relief, we feel panic. What if it reveals too much? What if it uncovers the parts of us we try so hard to conceal — the inadequacies, the fears, the fragile places where we suspect we are not enough? So, like Adam and Eve, in our shame, we turn inward. We hide. We flee. Not from God, but from what we fear He will see in our naked vulnerability.

Yet the deeper truth is that the shadow we dread is not something God is shocked by. It is something He already knows and gently holds. The false self trembles in the light because it cannot survive there. It is built on fear, comparison, and self-protection. But the true self, the one made in love, is not threatened by illumination. It is revealed by it.

Sometimes the light feels unbearable not because it condemns us, but because it invites us to stop pretending. To be seen. To be known. To be healed. The shadow only grows when we run from it. But when we stand still, even trembling, the light begins to soften its edges. In time, we realize the thing we feared most was not the light at all, but the possibility that we might be loved exactly as we are.

Question for Meditation:
What part of yourself do you most want to hide from the light, and what might happen if you let it be seen?

Related Scripture:
“For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.” — John 3:20

For Further Reading:
If this resonated with you, you may also enjoy Oratio: Light Of Heaven