Grappling With Divinity

Equal parts nervous and excited, I log into Zoom to attend orientation for the Institute of Pastoral Studies at Loyola of Chicago. I double check-the time and the timezone because I always doubt myself, and my math. I have the correct time and I used the link they emailed me.

On the screen, it says, “Host has joined. We’ve let them know you’re here,” and yet, no one is online. I wait, check my emails, and wait some more. Finally, the host lets me in and orientation begins.

Orientation is informative, confusing, and frustrating. A lot of what is discussed does not pertain to me, but much more is inaudible or invisible due to in-person presenters and attendees not speaking into the microphone, and the majority of the slides not appearing on the screenshare. I start to get bored, while simultaneously trying to keep up my spirits.

I know God brought me here. The call was clear. All the pieces fell into place. Every time I think about this vocation, whatever it turns out to be, I experience what St. Ignatius calls “consolation,” and when I think about staying where I am, I experience “desolation.” I have prayed about this and discussed it with spiritual directors and others for many, many months. I know I’m in the right place, but man, is this frustrating, and somewhat disappointing.

As we break for lunch, the Dean of IPS tells us he is going to join us on Zoom for a Q&Q while we eat. He takes a while to show up, but he shows up. This interaction, this level of commitment and care, and this warm, curious, and joy-filled person on the other side of the screen gives me hope. This is why I’m here, to do this dance with people like this.

Lunch is over and we go back to the main group. Not much has changed, in spite of the organizers being told about the difficulties we are having hearing and seeing them on our end. As the orientation winds down, I begin to meditate on what it all means. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but this is far diffeent from what I imagined it to be.

We wrap up and I sit in the quiet of my condo, and the verse, “He went away grieving, for he had many possessions (Matthew 19:22),” comes to mind. Expectations, especially unreasonable expectations, are a form of possession, and I have a lot of expectations. The more I cling to them, the more disappointed I become.
Maybe this verse is what this whole orientation experience has been about. Maybe it was about freeing me from the expectations I cling to, making me let go of my possessions so that I may follow Christ wherever he leads me without being anchored to the false idol of unreasonable expectations.

It won’t be easy, but I trust that my Heavenly Father will reveal more as I go, and will never let me down as long as I stay near to him and do his work well.

~Robert Van Valkenburgh