Grappling With Divinity

In Matthew 7:2, Jesus says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you (NIV).” I always interpreted this as meaning that how I judge others now will be how I am judged by God later. This may be true, but I recently had an experience that leads me to believe it is not the whole truth.

In spite of my desire to be compassionate and understanding, I have spent a lot of my life judging others. I’m an extremely sensitive person and, somewhere along the way, I began judging others as a means of self protection. I set impossible standards for the people around me and the world at large, and, when those standards aren’t met, I then have justification for separation.

The closer and more sincerely I attempt to follow Christ, however, the more of a problem this stance of judgement seems to become. I recently found myself having a moment of clarity at a cookout, where I realized that I judge every single person that crosses my path. I either look at them with contempt, envy, jealousy, or lust, but I judge everyone.

Obviously, this is not who or how Jesus wants me to be. This is not loving my neighbor as myself. Or is it?

Only a few days after having this experience, I met with my spiritual director and we were discussing a related issue in my life for which I was and am seeking discernment. During our conversation, she said something that has been bouncing around in my mind ever since.

As we talked about my judgmental tendencies and how God is working in me to change them, I explained the impossible standards that I set for others and how it puts me in a position to be hurt and let down. She then said, “And you set those same standards for yourself also.” Her words struck me like a mallet striking a gong, and they are still vibrating through me several days later.

I judge others in exactly the same way that I am judged by myself and I love them exactly the same way that I love myself. That is to say, I am rigid, harsh, and cruel with others in the same way that I am rigid, harsh, and cruel with myself. In the same way I judge, I am judged. With the same measure I use, I am measured. In the same way I love myself, I love others.

I don’t have to wait to see God in order to be judged. I do it to myself here and now, every day, countless times a day. But something has to change. I can’t live like this anymore. The people around me deserve better and I deserve better. They, we, deserve a loving, kind, and merciful God, and I ain’t it. And so I pray.

~Robert Van Valkenburgh