Grappling With Divinity

My wife and I have been married for over fifteen years and it has taken the entirety of those fifteen years just to begin to learn how to let someone love me. I thank God for the fact that she is not only faithful, but persistent. She has never given up on me and has held firm to the belief that there is a kind, generous, and caring soul buried beneath my stubborn, selfish, and heard-hearted words and behaviors.

We have had plenty of ups and downs. I can honestly say that there have been moments where we have hated each other. In spite of this, somehow, someway, we always come back to the fact that we are committed to our marriage and to one another.

I’ve had a rough couple of days and, on top of everything else going on, now I’m getting sick. While I can’t say that my wife is a sympathetic person, she is caring and thoughtful in her own way, and when I’m sick, she makes me soup to help me get over whatever bug I’m fighting off. Tonight she made me ramen with kimchi dumplings and it really hit the spot.

While she was cooking, she could see that I was struggling. I’m really worn down and carrying a lot of stress right now. I remain prayerful and have turned it over to the Lord, but I still take too many things upon myself and worry about failure and what other people think of me. As we were talking, she said something that really made me think.

For context, we were talking about this past weekend, which was pretty busy. My wife’s car needed a new tire on Friday. On Saturday, my daughter and some of the other kids from our jiu-jitsu academy had a tournament. Saturday evening, we had a birthday party to go to for my wife’s cousin. Then, on Sunday, my daughter and I went to church, after which we all had another birthday party to go to for another of my wife’s cousins.

By the time Monday, came around, I was beat. I still managed to go to the Memorial Day open mat at the jiu-jitsu academy, but then I went home to shower, read, and nap while my wife took our daughter out for a play date with her cousins. When they were done, I asked if we could meet up for Korean food. My wife told me to rest, but I wanted to have a quiet lunch, just the three of us. So we went out for lunch and then went home to get ready for work and school on Tuesday.

What my wife said to me while she made my soup was, “I was trying to give you a break on Monday because I know we had a busy weekend and you can only handle so much stimulation before you need some space.” The thing is, she was right, but she also wasn’t being mean or trying to put me down. She was telling the truth and she was also telling me, in her own way, that she sees me, that she loves me, and that she is willing to do what she can to care for me.

In this moment, I could see her also. I could see past the walls we sometimes put up with each other and the stories we tell ourselves about one another, and I could see her kindness, her generous spirit, and her thoughtfulness. It wasn’t the fact that she was caring for me, but the fact that I was allowing myself to be cared for that allowed me to see who she is.

When we are willing to be vulnerable enough to allow someone else to love us without being needy, demanding, or preoccupied with expectations, when we are emotionally and spiritually naked and unashamed in front of someone we trust and who will not take advantage of our vulnerability, not only does it heal us, but it also heals them. When in Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” this is part of what he was referring to. Through love, we bring out the best in each other.

~Robert Van Valkenburgh