Grappling With Divinity

Earlier today, I overheard something that I’m pretty sure was intended to hurt my feelings. It was one of those things that went in one ear and out the other at first. Later, however, it came back around in my mind and started bouncing around like a fly stuck in a jar. Then I began obsessing over it.

“What did she say? What did she mean by that? If that’s how she feels, I’ll show her. I don’t need her anyway.”

In a matter of minutes, I went from thinking I may have heard something to cutting this person out of my life completely. Not only that, I wanted to let this person know I was cutting them out of my life. I wanted them to feel what I was feeling. I wanted vengeance.

Again, this was all for something that may or may not have been said. That’s how quickly my mind can run away with things, especially when it comes to my feelings being hurt. The mere perception of a slight, of being embarrassed, or of being rejected and I’m ready to destroy everything.

Since my wife was involved in the conversation, I decided that I was going to ask her if what I thought I heard was indeed what was said. Then, if she confirmed my suspicions, assuming she was listening to what was being said or that she remembered this trivial little moment that had now all but consumed me, I was going to use her to get back at this other person.

This all went on in my mind for a while. But when my wife got home, I got distracted by other things that needed to get done. Then it was time to get my daughter ready for bed.

Finally, as I was getting ready to confront my wife about this resentment that I knew she was going to call me crazy for even entertaining, the thought came to me, “What would happen if you just let it go? What if you don’t ask your wife what was said? Do you really need to know? Will it help you be a better person? Will it bring you closer to God? What if, instead of pursuing this resentment, letting it fester, and seeking revenge, you simply moved on like nothing ever happened?”

There was something both freeing and frightening about this proposition. It was freeing because it meant I didn’t have to carry this burden with me any farther than I wanted to. I didn’t have to burn this bridge. Pursuing it or moving on was my choice.

On the other hand, it was frightening because it made me realize how much of my identity is wrapped up in my feelings being hurt, obsessing over it, and then cutting ties with those persons who I perceived to have hurt my feelings. Doubly frightening was when I realized that this reaction is, was, and always has been a choice. As much as I have been a slave to this cycle of self-pity, resentment, and alienation, I have also been the cause of it.

How many years and relationships have I wasted on this fruitless, destructive pattern of thinking and behavior? All I had to do was to not ask the question, to not pursue the line of thinking that will inevitably lead me to the same place I have always gone before. Instead, I could turn to God. I could ask for guidance, grace, and freedom from this sinful burden that separates me from Him and my fellows.

Is this how forgiveness works? Is this the gateway to freedom from resentment? Is this the beginning of a new way of being? Or am I doomed to fall back into my old ways the next time someone says or does something that I perceive as a slight against me? I don’t know, but I do know that my Heavenly Father wants nothing less than for me to seek and embody His perfect love, mercy, and forgiveness, and so I remain to pray.

~Robert Van Valkenburgh